I’ve seen many popular memes of people saying that the minute someone starts acting weird with them, they’re gone. Translation for the not so chronically online—they’re no longer sticking around to find out what unhealed, unfinished business is sitting under the surface. This is because they know what this signalling usually means, as it’s a familiar feeling we have all experienced at some stage, if we are honest with ourselves.
They say you should befriend individuals who love their lives, so they don’t end up resenting you and yours. I’d say upon reflection, that seems like pretty sound advice. Another common disappointment I’ve seen discussed at length, is finding out someone you thought you were creating a genuine connection with, saw you as an opportunity. One side was building a community, the other a network. They also say the pipeline of ‘admirer to adversary’ needs to be studied. If I observe these kinds of circumstances, I believe some semblance of envy is at play. But, must its presence be the curtain call for the friendship?
Through the lens of the “green-eyed monster”
One narrative that has generated a lot of internet chatter of late has come out of the new season of Euphoria. Without going into too much of the lore, one time best friends Maddy Perez and Cassie Howard fall out after Cassie’s affair with Maddy’s ex-boyfriend. Quite frankly, one of the truest acts of betrayal, and a certified violation of “girlcode.” As the rift widens, and Maddy’s career blossoms, we see Cassie stalking her old friend’s glamorous Instagram feed. This makes her feel some kind of way, and prompts her to reach out under a thinly veiled guise of apology. In reality, she is probably just seeking reattachment and proximity. When they meet, Maddy offers one of most thought-provoking conversations of the series. Assessing Cassie’s desperate online persona, she notes that Cassie is “trying way too hard instead of just being.” “Being what?” Cassie asks. “Yourself,” Maddy replies. “Who am I?” “That’s a good question.” Likelihood is, it was never about the boy. Rather, it was about having what Maddy had.
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Some have labelled this phenomenon as “destiny swapping”—a situation whereby a person acts as an identity thief. They seize upon someone’s purpose or life path and they claim it as their own. Essentially, they want to take your place, whether it be your career, your partner, your friendships, your style. And by the way, you need not be a celebrity or person of influence to attract this type of behaviour. The theory goes that when someone is unsure of who they are, or are lacking an authentic persona, they latch onto a “host,” using them as a playbook for dreams, goals, aspirations and so on.
Interestingly, @farah_ammarah went viral on TikTok earlier this year for admitting she was the jealous friend. “I luckily did not treat this person like trash” she reflected, noting that jealousy is so “consuming” and “hateful.” As a result, it typically causes people to project their angst and treat their friend “horribly.” She goes on to explain that she was unhappy, and by comparison, her friend was living the dream, which she thought she didn’t deserve. Some in the comments section lauded her vulnerability, with one highly liked comment saying “your only crime is being real in a world full of self righteous people who think they have no flaws.” Others saw it as harmful, warning that “this is the evil eye,” or “a jealous friend is a dangerous friend. You have to heal that within you.”
Here, it is important to demarcate envy and jealousy, terms we often mistakenly use interchangeably. Well-renowned professor, New York Times bestselling author and TED Talk sensation Brené Brown in her book Atlas of the Heart clarifies the distinction. Envy is rooted in a desire to acquire what someone else has, while jealousy is anchored in the fear of losing what you already have. Many pointed out the TikTok case was more one of envy.
Alchemising the emotion
Like some of the commenters on that video, I do believe that envy is a natural emotion from which no one is entirely immune. It is human nature to look around and equate—we all have our benchmarks. What matters most is how the person chooses to manage it. If this low-vibrational energy shows up, it can be taken as a signal of longing. Instead of wallowing in the negative or insecure, it can be seen as a compass to what one really desires.
It is entirely possible to alchemise envy into motivation. But not everyone succeeds in transforming envy into inspiration. Some never recognise it as envy at all. Such recognition demands self-awareness and a willingness to look inward—an exercise that can be deeply confronting. Left unacknowledged, benign envy can curdle into something darker. As Dr. Brown observes, hostile envy progresses from “I want what you have” to “I want what you have, I don’t want you to have it, and I want you pulled down.” Resentment, then, is not simply a member of the anger family; it is envy that has soured.
Being the target
What is it like to be on the receiving end? This type of psychological cannibalism reminds me of that serial killer in Silence of the Lambs who wanted to wear people’s skin—in his case, quite literally. While that was all incredibly dark and sinister, in the real world, it’s obvious to see that being the target of someone’s envy can also be a horror movie. That is, depending on how the people involved choose to deal with this tricky emotion.
In showing interest in this topic, the algorithm served me a post by Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Christie Ferrari. It stated that some people “only want to be your friend, not for who you are but for what being close to you gives them. The moment they’ve taken what they needed, you’re discarded.” And that this is a case of “status borrowing,” by which someone elevates themselves by leveraging yours. While this quote may sound more like old-fashioned social climbing, this individual has detected something they want that you have, or have access to. They use you to walk through doors they couldn’t necessarily open themselves.
“Envy is a natural emotion from which no one is entirely immune. It is human nature to look around and equate. We all have our benchmarks.”
It also mirrors the “love bombing” scenario, whereby someone wants to establish a relationship hastily, fast track trust and manufacture closeness. This type of behaviour can also come with an unhealthy dose of unsustainable pedestaling. There is an element of admiration which, after time, wanes as it’s an unbalanced set up from the get go. Eventually, the scales tip the other way—the admirer becomes an “opp,” as the young folk would say. Peeking behind your velvet curtain, the envious decides that you and your achievements aren’t particularly special after all. Cue secret competition. Maybe they believe in being adjacent to what they perceive as success, that they are entitled to it too.
When people don’t have the tools to deal with this bitterness, it can turn into animosity. “Comparison is the thief of joy” becomes their lived experience and the envied are the poster child for that ugly feeling. It’s sort of like when you have an allergy threshold. The allergen builds up and triggers an immune response. If envy is the allergen, starting to act weird is the response. Like itching hives, things start to become visible on the surface. The target receives micro-expressions when good news is shared, they become the butt of so-called “jokes.” There’s a campaign to “humble” them. If the envious hasn’t done the inner work, you inevitably could become the subject of accidental, or even worse, intentional harm. The “weird vibes” are usually the cautionary sign.
Handling envy
There are two things at play here. For the envious, it would seem healing is necessary. To use another Internet-ism to sum it up: “take care of yourself so you don’t become a hater when you see a woman doing better than you.” This emotion can be harnessed as a guide for want, rather than letting it spill into any kind of resentment, as that’s when feelings can be misdirected onto the other person.
And when it comes to covetousness being projected at you, work with what you can control. This could be largely discernment—in other words, not letting people who are susceptible to envy close to you in the first place. If you think about it, often the red flags are there. Take a look at psychological thriller The Talented Mr. Ripley. It is an extreme case, but Tom Ripley starts emulating his friend Dickie Greenleaf with his style and mannerisms. Before long, he overtakes his entire life.
For some of the more accomplished people out there, an element of envy is accepted as the tradeoff for trailblazing. Another option is to shrink oneself to minimise impact. Distance can also help neutralise envy. A space between you creates a kind of social buffer. You’re no longer a mirror in their face highlighting something that they think they are deficient in, or even perhaps not willing to do the work for, but rather a more imaginary figure that has no real life relevancy to them. But if the meaningful, deep connection is severed, is that really a friendship at all?
So, can a friendship survive envy?
In my opinion, the brief answer is yes. But the caveat is resolute—envy must be identified, acknowledged and diffused on the envious person’s side before the symptoms start to show and the damage becomes terminal. They must look in the mirror and see their own reflection. Envy, if taken as a nudge for self improvement, can be a powerful exercise in clarity.
