One of the most unexpected challenges of adulthood is how difficult it can be to make new friends—and to maintain the ones we already have. It’s not something we’re ever really prepared for. It’s so easy to slip into routine: weekdays are spent in the office, where time flies by with deadlines and meetings. By the time the weekend arrives, most of us are simply trying to recover—catching up on rest, staying in with a show, or gravitating toward the comfort of family and long-term partners. But in the grind of daily life, where do our friendships fit in?
Often, they’re the relationships that get pushed to the margins, even though they’ve carried us through some of life’s most defining moments—family struggles, career changes, and the emotional highs and lows of romantic love. As licensed therapist and relationship coach Silvy Khoucasian points out, friendships are among the most meaningful forms of connection we have, yet they are frequently underdeveloped in the way we think about and nurture them.
In a world shaped by constant busyness, emotional fatigue, and the background heaviness of global uncertainty, it becomes all too easy for friendships to take a back seat. Which is precisely why carving out intentional time for them matters more than ever. One surprisingly effective way to do that? Hobbies.
Shared interests offer a way to fold connection back into our lives without it feeling like another obligation. They allow us to unwind while deepening bonds—creating space for organic, meaningful interaction. As Khoucasian explains, “Shared interests often become the entry point or anchor in friendships…These shared spaces create ease, connection, and a sense of belonging.”
Still, hobbies are not a cure-all. While they can bring people together, they don’t automatically create emotionally secure relationships. That kind of stability is built through deeper relational skills. She shares, “Hobbies alone don’t create secure friendships. Security is built through relational capacity—like our ability to listen, repair, navigate conflict, and tolerate difference.”
Ideally, both elements coexist: a grounded sense of self, and the ability to show up for others in a reciprocal, connected way. Here, with Khoucasian’s expertise, we break down how hobbies can enrich ourselves and our friendships in the 21st century, even in the madness of modern life.
The importance of hobbies
As simple—or even frivolous—as they may seem, hobbies can be powerful tools for supplement both our individual lives and our friendships. When aligned with our values and personalities, they offer a sense of meaning that naturally extends into how we connect with others.
Khoucasian emphasises, “Shared interests often become the entry point or anchor in friendships, particularly through a mutual love for movement, creativity or self-development.” Over time, they also form a kind of shared language. “When there is alignment in what matters most to us, friendships tend to feel more rooted and alive,” she says. “They have something to return to—a shared language, a shared rhythm.”
Finding yourself outside of your relationships
For those who struggle to act independently or tend to rely heavily on their inner circle, hobbies can serve as a vital pathway back to the self. Co-dependency, as Khoucasian explains, “often involves a loss of self—a kind of adapting so much to another person that we disconnect from our own needs and identity.” Having personal interests creates a space that is distinctly ours. “It gives us something to return to, something that is ours,” she shares.
But at the same time, she is careful to stress that this is only one part of the process. “Healing co-dependent patterns also requires deeper work around boundaries, self-worth, and relational dynamics.” Hobbies can support that journey, but they don’t replace the emotional work required to build healthier patterns with those near and dear.
How hobbies can support—not solve—co-dependency
Addressing co-dependency begins with awareness—recognising the patterns at play and the roles we occupy, especially if we’re the caretaker or the “strong one.” From there, the goal is to move toward reciprocity, says Khoucasian.
She notes, “Healthy friendships involve mutual investment, shared responsibility, effort to address power imbalances, and space for both closeness and individuality.” This shift often looks like expressing needs more clearly, allowing for a more balanced dynamic of giving and receiving, and creating agreements that support both connection and autonomy.
It also requires us to learn how to self-regulate outside of the relationship, rather than relying on one person to meet all emotional needs. While shared interests can deepen connection, she reiterates, “They don’t resolve imbalance on their own.” The deeper work lies in creating more mutuality—and, at times, expanding one’s support system or seeking professional guidance.
Maintaining modern friendships
One of the most helpful mental frameworks for navigating friendships today is recognising that they exist in different tiers. “Not everyone is meant to occupy the same level of closeness,” Khoucasian explains. While it’s natural to want to hold all our friends close, some people belong in our inner circle, while others remain more peripheral—and both can hold value when expectations are aligned with capacity.
But it’s key to note that clarity is essential. “The more honest you are about your needs, hobbies, values, and vulnerabilities, the more quickly you can discern who is able and willing to meet you and build with you,” Khoucasian notes.
And while shared interests can create a strong foundation, openness to difference is just as important. The richness of friendship often lies in holding space for both: enough common ground to feel connected, and enough contrast to remain curious—allowing us to support one another in complementary ways, even as we grow in different directions.
