When listing out red flags to look out for in a man you’re romantically interested in, the internet has no qualms doing so. There is an endless list of potential alarming signs, from love bombing to expressing possessive behaviour. A quick scroll on social media will find a popular worrying indicator: a close relationship with the opposite gender, frequently labelled as having a ‘girl best friend’. But what if that wasn’t actually the case?
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For years, the notion of the ‘girl best friend’ has been painted in bad light. It was an immediate red flag and a clear sign that man is bad news. It typically signals a connection that’s too close for comfort, over-dependency and the friendship taking precedence over the romantic relationship. Then, there’s the worst case scenario of them all: they fall in love. It seems unnecessarily messy, problematic and has ‘toxic’ written all over it.
In a tight-knit friendship between the opposite genders, there is no doubt we need to address the elephant in the room: there will always be a possibility of it becoming something more. The iconic rom-com When Harry Met Sally… opens with Harry insisting men and women can never be just friends, for there is always a chance it ends in a romantic predicament. While this may ring true in certain circles (and no doubt a pertinent worry for the other half), it is also built on the basis that the woman is inherently seen as more than a platonic connection. If men have no issue in nurturing meaningful kinship with fellow male peers, what makes a woman any different? Plenty it seems, and it’s deeply-rooted in systemic gender inequality issues too.
Arguably, it is perhaps because some men only seek connection with a woman he is interested in. There has to be a romantic motive, or else all efforts are futile. Though an opposite gender friendship is equally as beneficial, the concept of it being absolutely platonic is unheard of simply because they only value women in the context of a romantic relationship. It is when the woman is mentally placed in this unspoken position of objectification or, worse, something more, that opens the gates to a turbulent relationship of unnecessary emotional vulnerability and ‘special treatment’. This is the basis that the red flag unfortunately stands upon.
What the film didn’t bring up were the key players in an emotionally healthy friendship: maturity, respect and boundaries. Early communication and establishing of personal limits and values for both parties creates a healthy foundation for any platonic relationship. At the expense of the plot, lines between Harry and Sally were blurred—should Harry have been there when Sally was in an emotionally vulnerable state? Should they have spent so much time together alone? The answer is simple: the relationship lacked boundaries. Neither of them were self-aware of their actions, leading to an unintentional emotional dependency formed and stringing the other along. Of course, all goes well in the end but reality is far from it.
So, is it really possible for a man and woman to just be friends? Signs largely point to yes. Actors Saoirse Ronan and Timothée Chalamet are a fine example. The pair first met on set of Greta Gerwig’s Lady Bird in 2017, and it’s only been friendship goals ever since, even with Ronan getting married and Chalamet entering a long-term relationship in the midst of it all. A fireside chat with the British Film Institute deftly demonstrated their camaraderie, singing high praises for one another and reminiscing on their past co-star experiences.
Then there’s Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston, whose friendship dates back to the early 90s. The duo still boast an endearing connection to this day. At the 2020 SAG Awards, Aniston even gave Sandler a special mention on stage for his outstanding performance in Josh Safdie’s Uncut Gems. And who can forget the most iconic platonic friendship of them all? Despite failing to share the Titanic door, Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio’s relationship stands the test of time. They found an instant connection and the rest was history. DiCaprio even reportedly walked Winslet down the aisle as she wed Edward Abel Smith.
Evidently, the problem lies not in having a ‘girl best friend’, but the ultimate lack of lines drawn. Sure, building emotional depth and being accountable for your actions take effort, but a healthy friendship should already encourage all of those to begin with. In truth, a man capable of maintaining emotional ties with the opposite gender is also a signal of emotional maturity—a clear green flag in any romantic interest. And if he fails, maybe he’s not the one for you after all.
