I heard an old wives’ tale that warned if you pluck one grey hair, six more will sprout out of your scalp to enact revenge for the assassination of their brethren. As dramatic as that sounds, I fear I have become victim to a silver tresses tour de force. A trend on my noggin that has been slowly gaining momentum over the years, but has now come to a point of me questioning ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?’ Maintaining a seamless root to ends colour block in dark brown has become a costly and incessant exercise—I’m seeing my hairstylist every four weeks, but ideally it would be every fortnight.
Just like my mother before me, I noticed the first low melanin sprigs in my early thirties. Fast forward a decade later, I’m at a fork in the road whereby I am considering continuing to follow the path of my 71-year-old eomma (mother)—doubling down on the dye and committing to the bit, or letting nature take its course. For the latter, I have someone in mind who could inspire me to pivot.
Silver foxes but no silver vixens?
If I were a male, I don’t know for sure if this article would even exist. The gendered double standard becomes glaringly obvious when men have traditionally been considered ‘silver foxes’, wise, mature, seasoned and distinguished by the ‘salt and pepper’ in their mane. By contrast, historically, we have been perceived as losing our attractiveness, youthfulness and ‘letting ourselves slip’—quite a far cry from ‘silver vixens’. So, you can see my mother’s hesitation to go all shades of grey and why that dedication to concealing has stuck throughout the decades.
Nevertheless, for Indonesian-Australian model, actress, presenter, entrepreneur and eco-warrior, Nadya Hutagalung, while she has been frustrated with this somewhat antiquated view, she sees the tide turning. “I am grateful that the narrative seems to be shifting, there is a greater appreciation for wisdom these days. So, the men can be silver foxes, but I feel like the world needs more deep female wisdom.”
There was a 2021 peer-reviewed academic paper, Gendered ageism and gray hair: must older women choose between authenticity and competence? that highlighted a conflict: women embracing silver locks felt substantially more authentic and emanciapted from tiring beauty expectations. However, in going grey, they faced the hazard of being viewed as old-thus-incompetent, in society and particularly at work. So on the one hand, if we welcome this natural process, we feel better on the inside, but risk being judged on the outside?
For my mother, the trepidation of espousing visible markers of ageing could be both generational and cultural. “Growing up in Seoul, from what I observed, most women, including my own mother, dyed their hair. Even though my mum passed away at 69, I still see some of her friends who are all very elderly now, who still go to the salon to colour every month.” She points out the obvious, “us Asians, we all have dark hair. So when it starts turning white, that is immediately linked to being considered old.” Seems like grey hair has been seen as a fast track to ajumma (aunty) status, then. But, does this mature signalling still mean we are consequentially written-off as less capable or obsolete just because of a white tuft or two?
When asked if she thinks grey hair contributes to the ‘invisibility’ of middle-aged women and unfair gender-based age bias, Hutagalung says it’s a tough question. “On one hand, yes, I can see how some can feel invisible. On the other hand, perhaps at a certain age we can shift our attention inwards, be satisfied without external validation and develop a deeper inner power to benefit society in other ways. Our world has been so obsessed with youth, power and material gains for so long and perhaps that is due to the influence of the patriarchy. That clearly hasn’t worked. It’s time for the rise of the matriarch.” Hutagalung, now 52, decided to adopt a que será, será attitude with her hair during 2020—also an era that saw the movement of ‘Grombre’ (a frankenword of grey and ombré) gain serious traction. The pandemic meant it was an easier period to transition, but in general, Hutagalung was also trying to reduce her exposure to chemicals, so dropping the dye felt right.
“On one hand, yes, I can see how some can feel invisible. On the other hand, perhaps at a certain age we can shift our attention inwards, be satisfied without external validation and develop a deeper inner power to benefit society in other ways.”
Authenticity over invisibility
As our hair follicles slowly lose melanocytes (pigment-producing cells) perhaps we should also gradually embrace the inevitable? I am starting to see it as a power move towards genuineness and confidence, and I think more women are starting to agree.
Despite having subscribed to camouflaging up until this point, my mum says a dye-free existence would be freeing. “You know, putting how a woman should look in a mould is a bit too suffocating. Women should just express themselves however they want, and they shouldn’t have to reap the societal repercussions. It’s an individual decision and we should all just go with it.” She continues, “you know, I read an article about Pamela Anderson. She has courage, in a way, especially her being an actress and being on those red carpets exactly how she is. I applaud her—her gutsiness. Everyone loves her for it, because they all think she’s so real now.” In so many ways, Anderson has now completely rejected the sort of male gaze pedestal of beauty that she was put on, one that she probably played into as well. While letting her hair flow with hints of silver and being makeup-free is part of her broader lifestyle move towards being natural, she still experiments with hair colours from time to time, highlighting there are no rules to ageing gracefully.
Also pioneering this movement towards detangling beauty from youth and welcoming the inexorable is supermodel Paulina Porizkova, 61. She has shared her sentiments on getting older on Instagram “we obviously equate age with use. In objects. Like clothing. Furniture. Cars. Seems crazy to have to keep reminding people women are NOT objects. Twilight, although more hushed in its anticipation of the settling night, may feel different, and you may have a preference, but it is exactly as beautiful as sunrise.” Porizkova recently got married and told Vogue: “I wanted to look like my very best self,” but not only that, “my very best 61-year-old self. Not any other age” for her wedding day.
As someone firmly in the public eye—a former MTV and Asia’s Next Top Model host, Hutagalung has shared on her socials about how her looks are hers and for years it didn’t necessarily feel that way. She didn’t worry whether this move towards silver would hinder her in such a visual industry, as alignment was more important. “I just felt that this was the truest version of myself showing up. If it meant I lost jobs then so be it. What felt more important was to be healthy and authentic.” Now, when she notices a woman rocking grey hair in the street she thinks of her as brave and not conforming to societal expectations.
“You know, putting how a woman should look in a mould is a bit too suffocating. Women should just express themselves however they want, and they shouldn’t have to reap the societal repercussions. It’s an individual decision and we should all just go with it.”
As for me, am I there yet? Am I ready to give up my colourist, the retouching sprays, transition and be that bold woman in the street? I would say that I’m not quite there yet. That’s not to say I won’t get there in my own time. And with the paradigm shift, I know I will be enfranchised to do so as the community grows and tired associations to ineptitude wane.
In terms of how she would like other women to feel about #greyisthenewblack (a hashtag seen on her posts), Hutagalung says “I would love them to feel empowered, to re-write the narrative about ageing and moving into a new phase of life. Some women go grey as young as 30, some much later. So no matter the age—silver is just beautiful too. I love my sparkling hair and I hope that many others learn to love it too.”
