If you want to be my lover, then getting along with the family, as it turns out, is part of the deal. So, you’ve found the ‘one’—the love of your life, someone you want to grow old with. Well, congratulations, you’ve successfully cleared level one of the grand marriage game. Level two, ladies and gentlemen, is where things get real: introducing your partner to your parents. You picture an instant bond, shared conversations, warm family dinners, basically everyone getting along. But what happens when that rosy picture is shattered? What do you do when two of the most important women in your life don’t exactly like or respect each other?
An uncomfortable pill to swallow, but the truth is, conflict between a parent and partner is not rare. After all, our very own Posh Spice is going through the same ordeal with her oldest Beckham. Your partner might feel judged, excluded and may struggle to constantly fit in. Your mother, on the other hand, might be dealing with loss of control, shifting family roles, and the fear of being replaced. Add differences in values, communication styles, expectations around respect, responsibility, and long-standing intergenerational dynamics into the mix, and you’re stuck in a constant tug of war.
So, how do you navigate through this mentally and emotionally draining situation? In the words of our trusted expert, Dr Annabelle Chow, clinical psychologist behind Annabelle Psychology, “ Transitions can stir up unexpected feelings such as loss, jealousy, or fear of being left behind, and these reactions are completely normal. Approaching the issue with curiosity rather than judgement helps build safer and warmer relationships.”
If you’ve found yourself in a similar state of affairs, below find a few key strategies on how to handle such situations in emotionally healthy and respectful ways, according to a therapist.
Building mutual respect early on
In the beginning, it’s crucial to understand that patience accompanied by small, consistent efforts like listening and asking questions can help strengthen trust and connection between your spouse and parent. “What builds respect is not grand gestures, but small signals of goodwill and clear expectations. For couples, this means being warm, showing appreciation, and being consistent in how they make decisions, so parents clearly understand where the couple stands and are not left second-guessing or triangulated. For parents and in-laws, it helps to approach the new partner with curiosity rather than evaluation, and to offer support without taking over, as this allows trust to grow without power struggles,” Chow advises.
Healthy vs unhealthy conflict
Get this straight: Not all relationships start smoothly; some have a rocky start, and that’s okay. Minor disagreements are a part and parcel of all relationships. Every uncomfortable interaction does not equate to a fractured bond; it’s just a part of adjusting to new family dynamics. “Normal friction feels uncomfortable but still allows room for dialogue, repair, and mutual respect. For example, a parent might comment that they would have done things differently, particularly regarding parenting or household decisions. This comment or conversation can be antagonising, but there is a space to understand, explain, set limits, and disagree respectfully and kindly,” Chow adds.
An unhealthy conflict, in comparison, tends to be repetitive and emotionally excruciating. “There could be persistent and ongoing criticism, humiliation, triangulation, guilt-tripping, disregard for boundaries, or pressure to choose sides. If interactions consistently leave someone feeling anxious, diminished, or unsafe, it is a sign the dynamic needs attention,” Chow states.
Managing loyalty conflict without picking sides
Honestly, having to play a referee between your partner and parent is painstakingly tiring. Dr Chow notes that “loyalty conflict is very common when an adult child feels caught between their partner and their parents. Psychologically, this reflects a normal developmental shift from prioritising the family of origin to forming a primary bond with one’s partner, and this transition can feel uncomfortable or guilt-laden.”
However, choosing sides is not the solution. She advises, “The aim is not to choose sides, but to move away from people-pleasing and towards clear, values-based choices that protect relationships while still showing respect. For example, if a parent expects weekly Sunday dinners but the couple needs more rest or time together, it can help to frame the boundary around the couple’s needs rather than the parent’s behaviour: “We are trying to protect our weekends to recharge, so we will come twice a month, and we will call you on Sundays we don’t visit.” This kind of framing reduces defensiveness, eases internal guilt, and gives everyone a predictable way forward.”
Setting clear boundaries
When push comes to shove, establishing healthy boundaries without escalating the situation is the best way to go forward. Chow states, “ Boundaries work best when they are calm, specific, and consistent. It helps to focus on behaviour rather than character, and to frame limits as personal needs rather than accusations. For example, instead of “You always interfere,” an adult child can say, “When comments are made about my partner, I will end the conversation, and we will speak another time.” Clear follow-through is often more effective than trying to persuade or change the other person, and repeating the same message without escalating builds clarity and respect over time.
Choosing healthy distance
No matter how hard you try, there are bonds that are beyond repair. In cases where reconciliation feels unlikely, a healthy emotional distance is the most appropriate course of action. Dr Chow emphasises that distance should not come from a place of hatred. “Healthy emotional distance is less about cutting people off in anger or trying to ‘punish’ them, and more about intentionally choosing a level of contact that protects your wellbeing while keeping interactions manageable,” she says. The goal is to reduce stress and create space for emotional healing, rather than to foster resentment. Over time, this approach allows relationships to co-exist without constant disagreements and gives both parties the opportunity to remain cordial. Remember, giving your mental wellbeing priority is not selfish but a key part of maintaining sustainable relationships.
