Ever had people giving you a side-eye for how you parent? Yep, that’s mum-shaming—the not-so-fun experience of being judged for your choices as a parent. It’s a shared mum experience that can trigger feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and insecurity. Whether it’s from friends, family, or the know-it-all neighbour or internet troll, everyone seems to have an opinion.
While this may sometimes come from a place of care, concern, or from a lack of knowledge of the situation, it might ultimately be harmful. In addition, there’s this sneaky feeling called motherhood imposter syndrome, making you wonder if you might not measure up to the mum standard. If you’re already battling negative self-talk, mum-shaming can hit harder, maybe even causing a bit of mum rage.
Want to stand up for your parenting choices but want to keep conflicts at bay? Vogue Singapore got the lowdown from experts on 11 ways to deal with mum-shaming because every mum deserves to be celebrated, not criticised.
Your baby, your business
From day one, you call the shots for your child—no one else. “Express your boundaries clearly and directly to help avoid confusion from others and explain clearly and directly what will occur if the boundary is broken. For example, ‘We don’t want to have any more discussions about how we are feeding our baby’. If they continue, I’ll excuse myself from the conversation,” advises Patience Riley, a certified perinatal mental health therapist at WHOA MAMA and Communications Manager at the Perinatal Mental Health Alliance for People of Color. Remember, setting boundaries helps you maintain healthy relationships.
Give yourself some grace
Recognising that birthing a tiny human is no small feat allows you to be kinder to yourself. Your body has gone through so much trauma. Redirect your focus and energy toward providing the best care and love for your baby. Find a moment to appreciate the small wins in your parenting journey, knowing deep down that you’re the one who truly understands what’s best for your child.
Riley suggests writing yourself a love note. “This 1-2 sentence affirmation can be as simple as, ‘I am the best mum for my baby,’” ’I love myself fully, flaws and all,’ or ’I will show myself the same grace I extend to others.’ Positive affirmations do work and are backed up by science so why not give it a try!
Cultivate self-compassion
“I’ve had firsthand experience of how draining it can be when others scrutinise your actions as a parent”, says Cassandra Loh, vice president of partnerships and solutions at Intellect, a Singapore-based modern mental health technology company.
“With more apparent comparison be it through social media or amongst social circles, it is definitely challenging to “take things in my stride” and ignore my perceived inadequacies. What I’ve found useful is to cultivate self-compassion. I’ve tried to do is to find ways to be kind to myself, and to acknowledge that I am doing my best.
“After all, parenting is a journey filled with ups and downs, and it’s okay to make mistakes or choose a different path than others. A good tip I have learned is to ask myself—how would I have responded if it was someone else instead of myself? Oftentimes, I realised we are our harshest critic, and while we can be so compassionate to others, we often find it hard to apply the same to ourselves.”
Unfollow energy draining social media accounts
Unfollow social media accounts or filter the content you consume that negatively impact your mood. Recognise when exposure to certain information is not helpful to your mental health.
“If you notice a change in your mood after seeing certain social media accounts, it’s an indication they are not good for your mental health. Unfollow accounts that don’t make you feel good about yourself,” Riley recommends.
While the internet can be a supportive space, unmoderated environments expose you to destructive messages. Trustworthy and inclusive spaces, like Postpartum Support International’s Facebook Group, actively filter content, fostering respect and support.
“While mum-shaming has always existed, the rise of social media and a growing acceptance of bullying and shaming in society have increased the frequency with less accountability,” says Wendy Davis, president and CEO of Postpartum Support International.
She adds: “Addressing mum-shaming is crucial. We’ve experienced not just the COVID-19 pandemic but also a surge in online and media shaming.”
“People criticise because they’re insecure, not because they’re better. It’s about their issues, not yours.”
Have confidence in your choices
Trusting your decisions and understanding that there’s no singular way to parent can prevent you from external judgments. Express gratitude and assert, “Thanks for the advice, but I’ve chosen this method because it works best for my family.”
Keisha Meek, UK-based Operations Manager and a mum of one shares: “Despite being constantly mum-shamed, I’m proud of my decision to work full-time as a mum. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary for our financial stability and to provide for my daughter. I’ve had to deal with guilt and doubts, but I’ve come out stronger. Our hard work has paid off with a bigger home, and I’m confident in my choices, even when others question them. Sending my daughter to nursery early has also been heavily criticised, but she’s thriving and learning so much. She’s crawling and saying her first words, showing how much she’s growing. Despite the challenges, I know I’m doing what’s best for my family, and that’s what matters most.”
Find your mum village
Surround yourself with a supportive network of family and friends who respect your choices. Share experiences with supportive mum friends.
“What I’ve also found helpful was to find a supportive community who share similar parenting values. This community could include friends, family or other mothers who understand and respect different parenting styles. Connecting with like-minded individuals helps counteract the negative effects of mum-shaming and provides a safe space for sharing experiences, advice, and encouragement. Instead of taking parenting tips or feedback from people who do not know me, or through idealistic representations on social media, I choose to confide in people that I know are for me and only want the best for me,” Loh advises.
Ignore
Sometimes, the best response is no response. Ignore unwarranted comments, focus on what works for your family, and move forward without letting judgment affect your confidence.
Celebrate small wins
Share your positive parenting experiences to counterbalance the negativity. Encourage a culture of support by highlighting the joy and fulfilment in your parenting journey.
Loh recommends: “Instead of focusing on what others have to say, I try to focus on my strengths as a mother and celebrate the small wins. For example, while I am not able to be with my children the entire day, I am able to put both to bed and that special moment shared with them is a small win I look forward to every day.”
Advocate against shaming
Speak out against mum-shaming in your community and online platforms. Promote awareness about the harmful effects of judgment.
“When you encounter a mum making comments that could be perceived as mum-shaming, address it. If the comment seems mean-spirited, kindly call it out; if it appears unintentional, gently explain how it might be interpreted negatively. Fostering open communication creates a supportive environment for all mothers,” Mary Catherine Starr, the artist behind @mumlife_comics.
Ask for help
Riley emphasises, “There is no right or wrong time to seek professional help. Whether you notice a slight change in your mood or an extreme shift in your mental health, speaking to a Licensed Mental Health professional trained in perinatal mental health can be beneficial. PSI has a list of providers trained and dedicated to supporting parents.”
Steer clear of negativity
“Mums are already working hard to keep the day on track, to keep our moods and optimism buoyant and resilient; the last thing we need is to spend time listening to people criticise us or other people for our choices,” Davis says.
Mothers are never in the wrong as long as they prioritise their babies’ best interests and don’t do harm. The societal expectation of perfect mothers exists must stop. Accepting that there are different ways of parenting puts an end to shaming. Join the conversation and share your story on your own social media using the hashtags #Stopmumshaming.
You are not alone. If you think that you are experiencing poor maternal mental health, contact NUH’s Women’s Emotional Health Service. Support is also available at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital or from your doctor. Your GP can recommend you to a therapist or counsellor. International and local support groups are also listed here. Further resources for new parents can be found here.
