Our children are our biggest triggers. As parents, we often point the finger at ‘them’ when tested by their tantrums and challenged by their behaviours.
Yet, the conscious parenting approach combines Western psychology with Eastern philosophy and turns the focus back to ‘us’.
Dr Shefali, one of the most influential clinical psychologists and mindfulness experts in the US, and author of the parenting manual The Conscious Parent, says: “Our children are born to us to create deep internal transformation within us.”
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She believes that the parenting journey acts as a mirror to help parents raise themselves. Children can be our greatest teachers if we view every interaction with them as an opportunity to learn. The international speaker educates parents, mentors and parent figures globally with her revolutionary ideas on how to nurture children in the modern age. She believes that a parent’s self-transformation is key to raising mentally strong and empowered children. Dr Shefali encourages parents to steer away from authoritarian parent-to-child know-it-all approaches in favour of fostering a mutual parent-with-child relationship. Unlike traditional methods that focus on clever techniques for dominance and control, conscious parenting offers parents kinder ways to communicate with their children.
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Dr Shefali is not against parents disciplining their children. She believes that parents will experience a happier home life by establishing clear, non-ego-driven boundaries. However, she invites parents to set aside any sense of superiority and choose connection over control. She tells us that boundaries should be tailored to fit our child’s needs, rather than moulded to fit our own.
Dr Shefali says: “We are raising sovereign human beings—not controlling puppets on a string.”
She guides parents to detach from any ideas that children are theirs to control or own in any way. “You are not raising a mini-me,” she says.
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Rather than constantly creating the perfect child or pushing them to fit our expectations, the conscious approach enlists parents to accept their children as they are in their natural state. “Until we do that, they are a fantasy child and we are dealing with the child we wish we’d had, rather than truly connecting with the child before us,” she says. Dr Shefali urges us to move away from constricting ideals, negative societal expectations and any external pressure we may feel to raise our children in a particular way. She encourages parents to give their children the freedom to find their own paths. “You become a happier human being when you realise the wisdom of allowing others to manifest their own journeys,” she says.
“Consciousness is to look at yourself with the intention to evolve,” says Dr Shefali.
A conscious parent emphasises their own thoughts, language, expectations and self-regulation. Mindful practices that bring our awareness to the present moment like meditation and regular self-reflection are central to improving our outlook. Listening to our inner voice also allows us to question and reflect on our thoughts and feelings. “Every interaction with our child is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves,” she says. The parenting expert believes that one of the keys to becoming a conscious parent is to become aware of how our inner voice impacts our outer life.
Contrary to what our instinct tells us when we are challenged by our children, it isn’t their behaviour that triggers us. “Most of us are reacting from our inner wounds and not responding from the present moment,” says Dr Shefali.
“In truth, many of us were raised by unconscious parents.”
Some of us were controlled by inhibiting belief systems or stereotypes regarding sexuality, gender or religion, while others felt suffocated by their family’s ideals and expectations. As a result, we have been left carrying an inner child who is emotionally scarred by feelings of unworthiness and generational trauma. An integral goal of conscious parenting is to manage our emotional triggers, heal our wounds and quiet the critical voices of others. “If we’re brutally honest, we will all realise that in many ways we have lived inauthentically,” says Dr Shefali.
“This approach understands this and seeks to not do the same disservice to our children. It seeks to give them the space and permission that we never had to live in alignment with their inner voice.” Dr Shefali urges us to break these toxic cycles by parenting our inner child first. Uncomfortable as it may be, we must process our pain and begin to understand our insecurities. Practising healthy detachment from dysfunctional relationships, non-judgement and self-compassion can help us restore our self-worth and create a sense of inner peace.
Wisdom from self-help books, confiding in people we trust and seeking guidance from a counsellor or coach can support us through the process. This journey opens wounds but ultimately, it’s about how we heal from them. The conscious parent leads by example, and there’s no better way to nurture conscious, confident children who are comfortable in their skin than by being these things ourselves.
Following this approach, we can rest assured that ‘the kids will be all right’ so long as we are.
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