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Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’re offering your child a pre-packaged snack at a playdate, prompting another mum to say, “I always make homemade snacks; it’s so much healthier”? Or you decide to bottle feed your baby, and someone insists on, “Breast is best, you know. Formula is just not the same.”
These moments of mum-sharing can sometimes take a less friendly turn into mum-shaming, where others criticise a parent’s choice, thinking they know better about the child’s needs.
Many of us unintentionally do this, not realising how much it can hurt. 60 per cent of mums have faced mum-shaming. These everyday comments, along with hormonal changes and the challenges of early parenthood, can leave new mums feeling insecure, impacting their mental health.
“Mum-shaming is something every mum recognises. It’s particularly hard when we’re criticised for things that come naturally to us, like how we smell or our parenting choices,” explains Wendy Davis, president and CEO of Postpartum Support International. Adding, “Shaming is a strong and intentional reaction, like bullying. Dismissing people as ‘too sensitive’ only makes these bullying tactics worse. It’s important to address mum-shaming to stop encouraging such behaviour.”
What is mum-shaming?
Just like every baby is unique, so is parenting. Everyone raises their child differently, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Unfortunately, mum-shaming happens when people make mums feel down about those choices.
“Mum-shaming happens when mums compare themselves to others to validate their decisions.”
“If they criticise those who do things differently, it reinforces their belief that their way is the ‘correct’ and ‘right’ way,” explains Mary Catherine Starr, the artist behind @m0mlife_comics.
With 300,000 followers, Starr shares the raw highs and lows of motherhood on Instagram, earning laughs and empathy. As a mum of two, she’s no stranger to mum-shaming.
“The mum-shaming comments that bother me the most are the ones that question my love for my children because my work focuses on the challenges of being a mother, and the majority of my followers are mothers who get it. I don’t spend a lot of time including disclaimers about how much I love my children because, among us mums, that’s a given.
So when I get comments like, ‘If you hate your kids so much, why did you have them?’ or ‘I would never say something like this because I actually love my kids’ or even, ‘Your account further justifies my decision to not have kids,’ it hurts. It’s the societal expectations of mothers and the mental load of motherhood which I have a problem with,” Starr shares.
Patience Riley, a certified perinatal mental health therapist at WHOA MAMA and communications manager at the Perinatal Mental Health Alliance for People of Color, says mum-shaming is different for everyone, depending on how they feel.
“For the mums I talk to, it usually happens when people say things that make them feel insecure, judged, not good enough, ashamed, or like they’re a ‘bad’ mum. It can be about anything, like how they feed their baby, their job, how they discipline, what they teach their kid, or even how clean their house is. Mums might also get comments about how they show affection to their child, like hugging or kissing,” Riley says.
Is mum-shaming a genuine concern or mere criticism?
A study from the University of Michigan found that six out of 10 mums have been criticised for their parenting, mostly by family members. This might be because mums talk a lot with their families, or they might feel family criticism hurts more since family is seen as the supportive party.
“Since mum-shaming comes in many different forms, there are times when family members, friends, and people in our community unintentionally shame us. A conversation with a friend can drastically change when you hear, ‘Oh, I thought you were going to breastfeed’ after pulling out a bottle, or when an older woman says, ‘You better put a hat on the baby’ as you’re rushing into the grocery store, or your cousin shares, ‘My daughter already knows how to spell her name’ when your child is having a difficult time with writing,” Riley says.
Starr adds: “I have an entire comic about this, but to me, what’s so sneaky about mum-shaming is that it can be easily disguised as concern or even help. For instance, some people disguise it as concern for the child.”
While 67 per cent of mothers say that criticism made them feel more strongly about their parenting choices, 42 per cent say criticism has made them feel insecure about their parenting choice.
Who is more susceptible to it?
For new mums, especially those experiencing motherhood for the first time, there’s a risk of mental health issues and stress post-birth. Research suggests that having support from friends and family is vital for their well-being during this period.
“Pregnancy, childbirth, and early parenthood bring about significant physical, emotional, environmental, and social changes for women,” emphasises Dr. Neerja Chowdhary from the Department of Mental Health and Substance Use at the World Health Organisation. According to Chowdhary, “It is important to women that they are able to develop a sense of confidence and competence as a mother, as well as be able to adjust to the many changes that occur in the postnatal period.”
However, mum-shaming can compromise this by adding unwarranted stress, and preventing women from feeling confident and capable as new mothers. Dr. Chowdhary stresses the importance of mental health support during this time: “It’s also crucial for women to access a wide range of support during pregnancy, birth, and the postnatal period, including services that support new mothers’ mental health.”
What are the lasting effects of mum-shaming on mental health?
Mum-shaming can seriously impact a new mum’s mental well-being, leading to heightened stress, anxiety, and a diminished sense of self-worth. The judgment and criticism might even make her want to avoid socialising. Research backs this up as 50 per cent of mothers say that they avoid certain people who are too critical. If this goes unchecked without support or understanding, research indicates it could escalate to postpartum depression.
“Many mums already wrestle with uncertainty about their choices, circumstances, and identity. Depression and anxiety symptoms, including self-doubt, mood swings, and hurtful feelings, magnify the influence of external shaming,” says Davis.
How to shut down mum-shaming?
“Oftentimes, mums tend to take the comments shared by others upon themselves rather than expressing their feelings, and this could be because we live in an Asian society where we prefer to avoid conflict. Even if the comments come from a good place, being at the receiving end of such negative remarks may wear away a mum’s confidence over time, and so, I encourage mums to develop self-awareness and to communicate their boundaries,”says Dr Oliver Suendermann, certified clinical psychologist and clinical vice president at Intellect, a Singapore-based modern mental health technology company.
- Develop self-awareness
“Developing self-awareness means reflecting on their own values, beliefs, and parenting goals, and staying confident in their choices. Having such a solid foundation can be helpful in getting mums to recognise that their worth as a mother comes from within and not from external judgments, and this allows them to differentiate between constructive feedback and unfounded criticism from others.
If the partner can get in on this by discussing and aligning on such values, he or she can be a great source of encouragement and such emotional support can help to mitigate some of the effects of mum-shaming,” Suendermann advises.
- Set clear boundaries
He adds: “It’s also essential to set clear boundaries with those who may be quick to offer unsolicited advice or criticism, whether they are friends, family or other parents. Politely but assertively communicate your need for support rather than judgement, and let them know that while you appreciate their input, you are confident in your parenting decisions. Establishing boundaries may involve redirecting conversations, changing the subject, or even creating distance with individuals who consistently engage in mum-shaming.”
How to support mums?
If you’re someone who likes giving advice freely—an unintentional form of mum-shaming—just keep an eye on how you say things. The way we express ourselves really matters. By keeping it positive and supportive in our talks, parents feel cheered on instead of criticised.
Lastly, remind yourself that there are many different ways to parent and still raise exceptional children. When we start to see this, we can learn to stop ourselves from shaming others.
You are not alone. If you think that you are experiencing poor maternal mental health, contact NUH’s Women’s Emotional Health Service. Support is also available at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital or from your doctor. Your GP can recommend you to a therapist or counsellor. International and local support groups are also listed here. Further resources for new parents can be found here.
