Becoming a mum may seem like a breeze during those nine months of pregnancy: you set up the nursery, organise baby clothes, and prepare for the worst bits—sleepless nights, messy nappies, and the sweet chaos a baby brings. Then, postpartum hits, and it’s like walking into a world you never saw coming, no matter how ready you thought you were.
Every day, it’s like you’re caught in a whirlwind—barely catching any sleep, dealing with baby challenges, and facing societal pressures. All the while trying to make sense of the missing baby manual that never made its way to you.
As time goes on after giving birth, you might notice yourself getting angrier. Admitting this anger, however, can be tough. There’s this unwritten rule that mums should always be nurturing, adding to the stigma around mothers expressing anger and frustration.
Linked to these outbursts are the expectations placed on women and mums regarding expressing the challenges and emotions that come with motherhood, according to a 2023 study published in Sex Roles.
It’s normal to feel angry, but when it spirals out of control, it becomes a red flag. Vogue Singapore speaks with maternal mental health experts to help you recognise signs of postpartum rage, regain control, and cope effectively.
What is postpartum rage?
Postpartum rage, though not officially diagnosed, is a very much lived experience for many new mums. Post-birth, waves of intense anger can hit, making it easier to get annoyed. Resentment towards your partner may creep in, and those temper tantrums and yelling fits might become more usual than your pre-pregnancy self. It’s not just you—many new mums go through this.
“We need new mums to know they are absolutely not alone; this does not make them a bad parent and that they will get better with the right help and support,” Eve Canavan BEM, Co Founder of Perinatal Mental Health Partnership and National Coordinator of the Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week, tells Vogue Singapore.
Mum rage is a sign of burnout in mothers
“We’re now hearing the term postpartum rage or ‘mum rage’ in discussions and online, which is so important as it’s naming the intense anger that many mums feel in early parenthood, but have often felt in isolation,” says Kate Borsato, mental health therapist, and founder of The Perinatal Collective.
“What we need to discuss is that rage is not a condition in the same way that perinatal anxiety or depression are, and is not something that a person can be diagnosed with,” Borsato shares.
“We need to resist categorising rage or anger as a mental health condition. Often, anger is a justified emotion and signifies an unmet need.”
Dr Neerja Chowdhary, a spokesperson from the Department of Mental Health and Substance Use at the World Health Organisation, explains that heightened maternal stress can lead to outbursts of anger: “During the postnatal period, increased stress, stemming from various physical, emotional, environmental, and social changes, can contribute to episodes of anger or frustration.”
But mum rage isn’t just a fleeting emotion; it’s a symptom that something more significant might be at play.
“For example, mums might feel under-supported in their day-to-day lives by partners and close family, and generally unsupported by their communities and the systems around them. Moreover, mums might experience intense anger due to feelings of isolation in early motherhood or the perceived imbalance in responsibilities, sacrifices, and the impacts of having a baby compared to their partners,” says Borsato.
“There are many valid reasons to feel anger, and it’s important that we don’t continue to pathologise women and mothers’ anger but instead listen to the underlying needs beneath the emotion.”
Postpartum rage: a scary symptom of postpartum depression
People often talk about postpartum sadness, but the anger that many mums feel is often overlooked. Postpartum rage is a symptom of postpartum depression, a maternal mental health condition that may affect up to one in 10 new mothers.
A 2018 study found that postpartum rage can coexist with postpartum depression. This sheds light on a side of maternal well-being that often goes unnoticed.
Borsato says, “Sometimes, anger can intensify in the perinatal period and can be a symptom of underlying anxiety or depression. When a mum is feeling anxious and on edge, she’s more likely to feel irritable, and have anger bubbling alongside her anxiety. Similarly, mums who are experiencing depression might describe anger as their primary symptoms rather than other depression symptoms like lack of motivation or feelings of hopelessness.”
Ivana Poku, founder of Mumsjourney, and author of Motherhood – the Unspoken first experienced postpartum rage when she welcomed her twins in 2016, expecting it to be the incredible moment society and social media portrayed. However, the reality was the complete opposite.
“I felt incredibly guilty for feeling sad and angry instead of happy. I thought everyone was enjoying their babies but me, which took a huge toll on my mental health. I felt angry for many reasons. I was angry with people who didn’t have children and had their freedom. I was angry with my husband, who still went to work and didn’t spend 12 hours a day with two screaming and demanding babies. I was angry at myself for wanting children in the first place! I was angry at them when they would cry for hours. I was angry at the visitors, especially those who didn’t know when it was time to leave. I was angry when people joked: ‘Don’t worry, only 15 years and things will get easier.’ And often, I was angry for no apparent reason,” Poku shares.
“It was a cocktail of emotions that could alternate within minutes. One moment, I would be raging, and minutes later, I would feel love and joy.”
“It was the worst time of my life but it also helped me understand how unrealistic expectations about motherhood women have and how many mums struggle in silence,” she shares.
What are the signs and symptoms of postpartum rage?
Canavan shares that women with postpartum rage may exhibit some of the symptoms below:
- Extreme anger and feelings of rage
- Shouting, screaming, and swearing
- Feeling very irritated by the people around you
- Focusing on something that has made you angry and being unable to stop the feelings of anger it is bringing
- Constantly crying
- Exasperation
- Racing thoughts
- Overwhelmed that you are now responsible for this baby forever and not being able to have this feeling leave you
- Feeling like you are powerless while everyone has retained theirs
- Sleep deprivation and trouble getting to sleep as your mind can’t stop ruminating
- Restlessness
- Feelings of shame, particularly after experiencing an outburst
What are the common triggers of postpartum rage?
Many aspects can collectively contribute to an increased feelings of anger during the postpartum period such as:
- Experiencing persistent sleep deprivation
- Suffering from maternal fears and paranoia, confronting the contrast between anticipated and actualised motherhood
- Making efforts to establish emotional bonds with the baby
- Managing multiple tasks
- Dealing with hormonal fluctuations
- Receiving constant critisim
- Grappling with physical discomfort post-childbirth, and juggling work
What will happen if postpartum anger is not addressed?
“The biggest consequence I see as a therapist is the guilt and shame that mums feel when they experience anger, and the impact on their relationship with their kids. When postpartum anxiety or depression is untreated, mums are left trying to manage on their own (often without understanding the root cause), and understandably there are relationship consequences.
Irritability, overwhelm, and impatience can change the dynamic between a mum and her family, and everyone loses. I wish mums could hear that they are not bad, they are not just ‘ragey mums’ or monsters, but instead, they’re really good mums who are having a hard time and could use some more support,” says Borsato.
Seven ways to cope when postpartum rage starts creeping in
Verbalise what you feel and don’t keep it to yourself
Verbalising emotions is crucial, especially during tough times. Poku emphasizes the importance of sharing feelings, recommending opening up to someone trustworthy, be it a professional or a fellow mum who understands. This initial step is vital.
Love yourself enough that you’re willing to be compassionate and pat yourself for a job well done
“When you feel bad about how you feel, instead of beating yourself up, permit yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. I remember when I felt at my lowest, and my husband said to me: ‘You are with the twins alone 12 hours a day. The babies cry all the time and are very demanding. You have no family or friends around. So ofcourse you feel low.’
This small act of compassion offered a huge relief. Sometimes we need to look at the situation objectively and realise that it is not abnormal at all we feel rage. Compassion is one of the best coping tools,” says Poku.
Letting go of the perfect mum facade
Let go of the idea of being a perfect mum because aiming for perfection brings a lot of stress and makes you feel like you’re falling short. Embracing imperfections is not only kinder to yourself but also helps you connect with other mums who understand the challenges. Plus, it sets a good example for your kids, showing them it’s okay not to be perfect.
Move not to bounce back to pre-mum body but to get happy headspace
Hollie Grant, Founder of The Bump Plan, highlights the mental health benefits of increasing physical activity during new parenthood. Exercising without your kids around is a valuable way for parents to recharge and ease the mental load. While it may feel challenging to ask for help, getting comfortable with it is essential.
“Every postnatal journey is different so you can’t replicate exactly what someone else has done postnatally. For example, one might have had a comfortable pregnancy, a smooth birth, and have loads of support at home, and therefore might be back to running after six months. Whilst another might have had a tough pregnancy, a traumatic birth, and very little support at home, and therefore is still only comfortable with walking at 12 months. That is totally normal and acceptable. Everyone is different. Don’t let comparison cause you more stress and rage that exercise should be reducing. This is your journey, and there is no rush,” says Grant.
Develop anger awareness and practise mindfulness
Dr Oliver Suendermann, a certified clinical psychologist and clinical vice president at Intellect, a Singapore-based mental health technology company, says “We employ to help mums better manage their emotions is to first develop anger awareness and identification, followed by practising mindfulness and relaxation techniques.”
“For instance, we understand some mums have added stress from physiological conditions such as Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (DMER), causing negative emotions to abrupt with milk letdown while breastfeeding. By helping her to recognise her triggers and patterns, mums can recognise early signs of anger, then intervene and implement coping strategies before the anger escalates,” he explains.
Dr Chowdhary also recommends engaging in stress management exercises, such as breathing techniques, stretching, and maintaining adequate sleep, to regulate emotions and reduce irritability. Supportive relationships can be crucial in managing stress.
Understanding the root cause of anger
Recognising anger as valid, exploring unmet needs, and implementing coping strategies are essential steps.
“We need to begin by exploring what might be underneath the anger, and what validity might a mum’s anger have. I want to know more about what needs aren’t being met, what is upsetting for mum, what is she grieving, what is she missing, what is she fuming mad about? There’s a good chance that it actually makes sense. I always start by seeing her anger as valid and giving space to hear about it. From there, we need to explore what those unmet needs are, and what changes can be made so that she has more support,” Borsato says.
Foster an open communication with your partners and family
“Partner and family involvement is also key in helping a mum better manage her stressors and emotions. With open communication, partners can learn when to step in for caregiving responsibilities, allowing the mother to take breaks and prioritise self-care. By promoting understanding and empathy, it can reduce the potential for conflicts that contribute to anger,” says Dr Suendermann.
When it’s time to seek help
Borsato says: “We all have moments of anger and stress, but what is the impact of that on a mum and her family? If anger comes and goes, feels tolerable, and isn’t causing further problems then it’s probably not as much of a concern and could be considered “normal”. If that anger is causing relational stress, impacting mums’ sense of self and confidence, and impacting daily life then this is a problem that providers need to pay close attention to.”
Dr Chowdhary adds that “If outbursts of anger occur often over a period of two weeks or longer and are accompanied by other symptoms such as excessive worrying, low mood, feelings of worthlessness, poor concentration, and lack of appetite, it may be that a woman is experiencing depression. In these cases, it is important that women contact a health professional who can help assess her needs and identify appropriate support and care.”
You are not alone. If you think that you are experiencing poor maternal mental health, contact NUH’s Women’s Emotional Health Service. Support is also available at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital or from your doctor. Your GP can recommend you to a therapist or counsellor. International and local support groups are also listed here. Further resources for new parents can be found here.
