You know those “put a finger down” challenges on TikTok? Let’s try that. Put a finger down if you have the Facetune app on your phone. Another one down if you have Mei Tu (or Pi Tu), one more for Snow, Snapseed and, well, the rest of your fingers for the other face filters on Instagram. You’re not alone—I use them all too. Our habitual swipes (and unwitting addiction) to enhance how we look has become so commonplace that it’s almost impossible to not see and show the best looking sides of every story.
But editing or filtering images doesn’t mean we’re on some pursuit of perfection—we’re really not—and neither does it mean we can’t deal with natural skin textures, facial features and beauty marks that make us unique. It’s more about adding a little oomph for the ‘gram, and in a way, to distract from the little things that we might feel insecure about. Some of us aren’t confident or comfortable enough to reveal our maskne or upload a bare-faced boomerang—and that’s ok.
The line, however, between wanting to “look cute” and actually feeling pressured to look (or not look) a certain way is an ultra fine one. Things can turn ugly when one succumbs to expectations, society’s standards or representations of what is “beautiful”, which can lead to real deep-seated issues and sometimes, even depression.
This is why we need to ask ourselves: Why do we feel the need to present an edited version of ourselves—and for who? Do I really expect to look like that air-brushed supermodel if I purchase and put on the lipstick she’s advertising? What is it that I want to conceal or change about how I look, and why do I feel that way? Is it really a matter of accentuation versus authenticity—can’t we embrace both? And how can we heal from this?
We speak to five Singaporean women, all of whom face multi-faceted pressures daily, on how to better check in with yourself and address your insecurities, how to shift perspectives and heal, and what needs to evolve in the business of beauty.
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Rebecca Eu
Do you feel that beauty can be both a cause and a cure of depression? What would you say are the reasons and triggers behind this?
Beauty. Where do I start? I think the journey we each have with beauty is riddled with great difficulty. The way we approach and experience beauty as men and women is extremely different. While our western counterparts have started to connect beauty as a source of strength for both sexes, I still think Asia has a long way to go. For the most part, most men grow up seeing a strong and healthy reflection while women tend to criticise and fight with the person in the mirror staring back at us. Men feel a pressure to appear bold and confident while women are often presented as sexually alluring but conservative and modest at the same time. There’s no consistency to our narrative but the narrative is always there.
I’m not saying men don’t have insecurities but I do think women start to place impossible standards on ourselves much earlier than we realise. Beauty can and should be a source of strength and inspiration. Oftentimes it bends and shapes us into something we barely recognise. I see that even in my own work and content when I post a picture on instagram or when I “like” a post by someone everyone says is beautiful. Speaking purely on experience, I think obsessing over beauty feeds into insecurity and ultimately, depression.
I am a privileged person and I can afford most luxuries in this world. Despite this, there are many moments where I still feel unworthy and far from beautiful. This is triggered by the variables we choose to include into our own standard of beauty. The media we consume, the comments our friends make and the messages we can never quite shake off. What about the messages we choose to represent us? If beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, shouldn’t what we say matter more than all of the above?
What is a beauty-related insecurity you’ve had, and why do you think you felt that way?
Someone asked me that if I had a superpower, what would it be? Some said invisibility, some said super strength. Without missing a beat, I said, “to eat anything I want and not get fat”.
I’ve struggled with weight my whole life. I work really, really hard to stay healthy and that means balancing between being a shape I like and not obsessing over that shape too much. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with my weight anymore. Having control over it and not the other way around is a constant struggle I find myself confronting. Perhaps I am more concerned about how my diet affects my silhouette than it does my cholesterol. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.
In Singapore, I always felt that the girls I grew up with had a particular look. They were all tall and fair and linear. I remember getting kicked out of ballet class because of the sound I made when I landed on the wooden floor versus the delicate tap these swans would make in comparison. I was 8 when my ballet teacher called me an elephant. I don’t remember much of my primary school life but I remember that.
Some years later, I appeared in a society magazine for the social enterprise work I did in the Philippines. The image was a tall, fair and linear girl with a waist that definitely wasn’t mine. I love that picture, to be honest. It might not represent the true anatomy of my organs but that didn’t stop me from using the photo multiple times since it was published because I look “great”. I didn’t decide that but society, my friends and people I have never met in real life affirm how “great” I looked in that photo.
How did you overcome this, and how do you feel about it now?
Growing up and learning new things changes the way we see the world and I hope, the way we see ourselves. I started to realise that I wasn’t the only one feeling an impossible pressure to look a certain way. I also realised that I didn’t have to look any way other than how I wanted. Getting to that conclusion took some time but here I am. When I am at a shoot or creating content for a campaign, I actually speak up about how I want my beauty to be presented and even though they might not always listen to me, I know now that I am allowed to have a say. We have to fight for the standards we believe in. If we don’t, then we won’t have a choice but to accept the standards that have been decided for us.
What is it about society’s expectations, people’s perceptions or the industry’s messaging that you feel needs to change?
Beauty is sacred. Our society needs to stop pursuing an exceptional standard of beauty that was decided by a board of individuals who have not lived our lives. We cannot tell 8 year old girls that they are elephants. All children are exceptional to begin with and they should not be subjected to any shade of shame. If we had the power to create a message to the world, is it possible for that message to be good? Is it possible to represent all types of individuals instead of a tall, fair and linear one?
I don’t know where the cycle starts but we have to stop seeking a perfect standard and expect everyone to adhere to it. I think young women have been emboldened to express their beauty more freely now, but the subconscious expectation of perfect asian beauty still stands. I urge everyone—society, personal perceptions and the industry—to challenge the standard that we’ve made for ourselves and each other. We are allowed to have pores and stretch marks and sizes beyond small and medium. It’s about time we accept beauty is human.
What advice can you give someone who might be depressed or pressured about how they look?
I don’t have advice for you, but I offer my apology. I would tell them that I am sorry. If someone is still depressed, pressured and overly conscious about how they look in 2020 it is because my generation is still struggling to create a better environment for their beauty to thrive in. There are going to be bad hair days, fat days and many days where we feel downright miserable. Remember that you’re not the only one. Try to contribute by pointing out someone’s great hair, amazing fitness goals and slaying the fashion game at 9am. The less attention we give to the voice that takes away from who we are, the happier we can be. Affirming our own standards of beauty instead of listening to someone else’s will make our day a little less miserable.
We cannot avoid catastrophic days so let’s keep it at the bare minimum. The rest of the noise is something we have to choose to shut out. Choose to be happier and better to yourself and the world around you. In the meantime, the rest of us will be rooting for you.
The fashion and beauty industries are becoming much more inclusive and diverse, but what else do you hope to see come out of this evolution?
I would hope that this industry seeks to stay sincere on their journey. I’ve been a part of these campaigns where female leaders and changemakers are featured instead of models. However, we aren’t introduced to each other or having conversations about how we’d like to be seen. We aren’t treated any differently from a blank canvas waiting for her turn to be choreographed into content for a post with high engagement on social media. My skin tone changes depending on the brand and my anatomy continues to be a mystery.
In Singapore, there is a cornucopia of people waiting to be represented. Let’s make their presence known instead of insisting on one type of beauty.
Hanli Hoefer
Do you feel that beauty can be both a cause and a cure of depression? What would you say are the reasons and triggers behind this?
Self comparison is the cause of depression. Beauty is a personal perception that is influenced by society but I don’t think it is the cause nor the cure of depression. I personally find beauty to be empowering. It promotes self expression and self discovery which can lead to a stronger sense of authenticity. I feel like modern messaging in beauty brands are very progressive. Of course there are certain brands that have an outdated approach to their marketing. Some brands still don’t have adequate representation or inclusivity which then can trigger negative outcomes like self comparison or low self esteem. But times have changed and I feel that “beauty” is becoming less superficial.
What is a beauty-related insecurity you’ve had, and why do you think you felt that way? When I was younger I was insecure about my skin because I didn’t have “good skin”. This lead me to wear full foundation on most days. This was because of photoshop and face-tune culture. It would be rare to see an untouched complexion, “bad skin” is hidden. I still break out and have the occasional sprout of hormonal acne but the difference is that now I know that it’s not my skin that’s the problem it’s the industry’s problem.
How did you overcome this, and how do you feel about it now?
Educating myself with podcasts, articles and social media accounts that speak up against society’s standards.
What is it about society’s expectations, people’s perceptions or the industry’s messaging that you feel needs to change?
I believe in the importance of representation. We need to show case more forms of what beauty can look like! We need mainstream media to show diversity in body types, race, gender and age. We also need to stop encouraging a culture of shame around our choices when it comes to beauty. Even the idea of “anti-aging” makes it seem like aging is something we should not do, when it is the most normal part of our existence. Why do we need “whitening”? That insinuates that dark is not desirable.
What advice can you give someone who might be depressed or pressured about how they look?
Firstly, look within and find your value in who you are versus what you look like. Working on self acceptance paves the way to self love. Secondly, explore your options, play with looks and styles until you find one that is yours. There is no one way to look or feel beautiful. Be bold, take risks and have fun with exploring what makes you feel beauty.
The fashion and beauty industries are becoming much more inclusive and diverse, but what else do you hope to see come out of this evolution?
Now that we are learning to love and embrace ourselves, hopefully we will start to love and embrace each other. We can only pour from a full cup, perhaps now that we are filling up our own cups with self love the next step is to helping our community do the same.
Sahur Saleim
Do you feel that beauty can be both a cause and a cure of depression? What would you say are the reasons and triggers behind this?
Personally for me make-up has always been an artistic escape. My face is just another canvas for me to experiment on and express my creativity. I find the art of make-up incredibly therapeutic and I always enjoy coming up with new looks that stretch me as an artist. Depression is a much more serious issue but make-up is something I turn to for comfort on days that I feel low. However, it is easy to feel insecure about your skin texture, pigmentation and what not when you are only being fed expertly retouched photos of models with flawless skin.
What is a beauty-related insecurity you’ve had, and why do you think you felt that way?
Acne is something I have struggled with for a long time now and you don’t see much acne representation at all, it’s also something that people tend to point out and give you unsolicited advice on. And being young and going through changes, acne really does add on to the insecurities.
How did you overcome this, and how do you feel about it now?
I did start treatment for my acne and it has improved immensely but I think the most important part was really being able to embrace my natural skin texture for what it was. And over the years there have also been more beauty content creators who have opened up regarding their acne journeys, that really helped me feel less alone.
What is it about society’s expectations, people’s perceptions or the industry’s messaging that you feel needs to change?
Colorism is something that is rather prevalent in Asian communities. Being on the tan side I’ve received multiple comments from people telling me to try this and that home remedy to lighten my complexion, advising me to stay away from the sun etc. Companies also regularly reach out to me to promote whitening products and procedures. It does weigh on your confidence. Moreover we didn’t see much dark skin representation in the entertainment industry until recent times. I truly wish we were all taught to embrace our true skin tones and also saw better diversity.
What advice can you give someone who might be depressed or pressured about how they look?
Just because you don’t look a certain way doesn’t mean can’t have the happiness and success that you deserve. Not everything is dependent on your physical appearance.Your friends and family don’t see the flaws in you, they see you for the person you are and love you.
The fashion and beauty industries are becoming much more inclusive and diverse, but what else do you hope to see come out of this evolution?
I hope to see it continue in a way that the audience can find more personable. To have diversity include people from all walks of life such that the audience could envision themselves in the shoes of those shown.
Narelle Kheng
Do you feel that beauty can be both a cause and a cure of depression? What would you say are the reasons and triggers behind this?
Definitely a double-edged sword. I guess it’s to remember that make-up is a great outlet, but its not a solution. It’s fun to change the way you look, but important to love yourself underneath it. And that we’re multifaceted beings, you can look bomb one moment and like a turd the next it doesn’t diminish either; you’re just both, and more. As a society we should also learn to praise and value other qualities. We can Stan a great vibe, but we should Stan great character more.
What is a beauty-related insecurity you’ve had, and why do you think you felt that way?
When I was younger I definitely had a lot of issues with my body. At first I didn’t want my hips to grow too wide. Then they weren’t wide enough, I was too short, not pretty enough. I hated my eye bags. I just always thought I had to fit into this mould and look a certain way and I was obsessed with keeping it up because of the easy validation that comes with it. I think its because pretty-privilege exists, we tend to treat people better when they look better. Then it becomes a rats-race and obsession. Societal, personal and industrial standards are all intertwined and exist off each other. The only thing we can start changing first though, is ourselves.
How did you overcome this, and how do you feel about it now?
Right now the only thing that annoys me is that I have bad skin! It’s frustrating, makes me look unhealthy and tired, and I get insecure when people come too close so I end up trying to stay away or I hide, and then I don’t even get to talk to people. But then I realise that thats dumb, because people don’t remember my skin, but they’ll probably remember a good conversation we had. And personally, I also rather enjoy and good moment so…. talk lah.
I also started to realise that I wouldn’t post pictures on the Instagram because I thought I looked bad, but then months down I’ll look at the same picture and think, “oh you use to look good, why didn’t you post it? Now you look like shit!” After that happened a few times I was like “?!??!? It was obviously fine, you’re being overly negative and you’ve wasted so much time and emotional energy fussing over this, was it really worth it?” The answer is always no.
Then I decided to strip everything back and for a year or so I chose not to care about fashion or make-up to figure myself out a bit more, and I really helped. There were people that took me less seriously, but there were also those who took me more. Right now I think I’ve found a balance in that I enjoy make-up and dressing up as expression but if I don’t want to, I don’t. And I know that who I am is more important than what I look like. If I meet people that don’t feel the same way, they’re not people for me.
What is it about society’s expectations, people’s perceptions or the industry’s messaging that you feel needs to change?
To value kindness and empathy; quirks, character, expression; creativity of all sorts. And to be honest and real about both the good and the bad.
What advice can you give someone who might be depressed or pressured about how they look?
Inner confidence and beauty will shine a lot brighter and last a lot longer than any highlighter. And you are special and unique in your own way, if you keep trying to be someone else you will never find it.
Aarika Lee
Do you feel that beauty can be both a cause and a cure of depression? What would you say are the reasons and triggers behind this?
I think if we think of beauty in only the superficial sense of “looking” a certain way then it’s more likely to become a cause of depression. The beauty industry is also so intense with new products for new “problems” launching all the time that you can’t help but feel like you have to buy something that you likely don’t really need, or need to fix a problem that you probably don’t really have. And that totally adds to mental stress. But if we consider beauty as a means for us to engage in self-care and focus on well-being in a more holistic way, I think it could be very beneficial. I think as humans we want to know that we have a greater purpose and are part of something larger than we are. So for example, being able to choose a beauty product that is also sustainable makes me feel like I’m caring for myself and the environment. It takes the focus off just me trying to look like someone I can’t and allows me to focus on something bigger than myself.
What is a beauty-related insecurity you’ve had, and why do you think you felt that way?
I don’t feel like there I have an issue becoming older—like counting up to a new number every year, but I increasingly feel the insecurity of looking older. I think that it’s totally triggered by what we hear and see in the beauty industry with all the anti-aging, youth-enhancing, time-reversing products that are in the market. I think everyone wants to age gracefully but that’s not the message that’s going out. Mostly I just infer that I shouldn’t look old.
How did you overcome this, and how do you feel about it now?
It’s tough. I think I need to alter my expectations of what getting older looks like haha! I can’t say I’ve gotten over it yet.
What is it about society’s expectations, people’s perceptions or the industry’s messaging that you feel needs to change?
I think beauty standards need to be adjusted to be more realistic.
What advice can you give someone who might be depressed or pressured about how they look?
You were made to be you and put on this earth for a reason, and very little of it is pinned to the way you look. It is what you say, what you can do, how you can make a change in whatever capacity you have the means to, that will matter the most at the end of this life. Love yourself—especially when it’s the hardest to, it counts the most. And surround yourself with people who love you and champion you.
You are not alone. For mental health support in Singapore, visit the Singapore Association for Mental Health. For mental health support in Malaysia, visit the Malaysian Mental Health Association.