According to the United Nations, “globally, an estimated 736 million women—almost one in three—have been subjected to physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence, non-partner sexual violence, or both, at least once in their life.” The number of victims is as disturbing as it is staggering and sadly in many cases, the abuse is a long and protracted experience. This is because oftentimes the perpetrator has a desire to wield their power over their more vulnerable counterpart and exert control—with fear, intimidation and shame being common tools in the abusers’ playbook.
As defined by Aware Singapore, a leading advocacy organisation working to end violence against women in Singapore, relationship abuse “is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviours used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner.” The occurrence rate in Singapore is similar in whether it be heterosexual relationships or LGBTQ relationships and the type of abuse can range from “emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, or physical. It can include threats, isolation, and intimidation, and it tends to escalate over time.”
Several years ago when writer and director Sukki met Polly Harrar, the founder of The Sharan Project, an international charity aimed to support South Asian women affected by abuse and persecution, she instantly connected with the cause. Mobilising to help raise awareness and funds, she also dedicated her first film I See Her to spotlight the stories of The Sharan Project’s survivors. The film was designed to help stop the bystander effect, instead asking for us to also act when we see signs of abuse in women and girls. “The modern world has taught us not to get involved in other people’s business, but in doing so, it has dismantled our sense of community and mutual responsibility. If you’re worried you might be wrong about a situation, or you’re worried about getting involved, remember that it’s better to be safe than sorry.”
On this United Nations ‘International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women’, two survivors courageously open up about their stories and how they have each found a way out in their circumstances.
*Names have been changed for protection and privacy.
Ms. Kim*, business owner
Five years into her relationship, Kim found herself in one of the most traumatic and agonising of situations, when the man in her life directed violence towards her young child and went to great lengths to conceal it from her. Following the initial incident regarding her child, Kim obtained a Personal Protection Order for herself and her children, along with a Domestic Exclusion Order that legally barred her partner from returning to their family home. “These orders can be easily filed at the Family Law Court for a nominal fee of $1, making it accessible for everyone. It’s essential to understand that while these orders may not prevent a recurrence of physical violence, they establish clear consequences. If a violation occurs, the offender can face imprisonment, fines, or even deportation,” says Kim.
When addressing how one can assist other women in a similar situation, Kim believes you must seek professional guidance immediately. “Understand your options, and secure the help you need to extricate yourself and your family from the situation. This can be an exceptionally challenging process, contingent on the unique circumstance at the time. Equally crucial is ensuring financial self-sufficiency if separation becomes necessary. I’ve witnessed numerous instances, especially among women in Singapore, where they are left financially destitute after a divorce. In cases of urgent domestic violence, financial independence becomes pivotal. It’s also important to recognise that domestic violence has far-reaching consequences, affecting not only you but also your children, family members, friends, and even work colleagues. This is why it’s critical to get help as quickly as possible before it starts encroaching on other areas of your life. But I promise you, there is light at the end of the tunnel.”
Ms. Bayu*, assistant retail manager
After meeting her ex-husband in 2002 and getting married in 2004, Ms. Bayu relocated from Indonesia to Singapore after suffering pregnancy complications. Her ex-husband believed local medical facilities in Singapore would better support her condition, and arranged for her to migrate over to live with his parents. He continued to work in Indonesia and only returned to Singapore occasionally. “I couldn’t understand nor speak English then, and didn’t have any friends in Singapore. I spent most of my time alone in my room, and didn’t have a support system that I could turn to.” After giving birth to her two children, Bayu not only discovered her partner’s bad temper, but was soon to fall victim to his violent nature. Sadly their children were not exempt from beatings and verbal abuse. “I felt helpless and alone as I didn’t know where else to turn to, but I thought that as long as I endured this a little longer, he would definitely change one day.” Ultimately, it was her son who gave her the strength to exit.
“Upon my decision to leave the relationship, I immediately searched online for information about ways to seek help. I visited a nearby family service centre, which then directed me to the Singapore Council of Women’s Organisations (SCWO). The most important thing was to keep ourselves safe, and I’m very grateful for SCWO for providing us a space of refuge at Star Shelter back then. SCWO also arranged for me to take up English and computer classes to rebuild my life and find a job. There were also sessions that helped me heal from my trauma, including art therapy and craft workshops. Meanwhile, I also sought help from SCWO’s Maintenance Support Central to file a maintenance order, and eventually got a divorce in 2019. In the beginning, I didn’t know how everything would play out, and I didn’t dare to think too far into the future either. Fortunately, SCWO was there with me every step of the way, guiding my children and I to a better life.”
In terms of spotting the warning signs, Bayu advises to remain vigilant about the circumstances people close to us are facing or even keeping a lookout for signs of distress. For her, simple actions such as lending a listening ear without judgement goes a long way in helping. She also wishes for women who are affected to know that it is important to seek help when they need to. “We tend to feel ashamed for having gone through this experience and want to hide it from the people around us. Taking the first step is always the toughest, but absolutely necessary. Be brave and ask for help, and you won’t be alone.”
If you are facing domestic violence or abuse, contact Singapore Council of Women’s Organisations (SCWO), a community for women that serves to unite toward the ideals of ‘Equal Space, Equal Voice and Equal Worth’ for women in Singapore. You can also reach out to Aware, Aware is a leading women’s rights and gender equality group in Singapore. Support is also available at National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Mandarin, Malay, Tamil.1800-777-0000. The Sharan Project is an international resource for South Asian women. If you would like to know about Sukki’s film, you may follow the Instagram page @iseeherthefilm or watch the trailer here.
